tw: self-harm
i forgot how the dream started, but i was in a large indoor area with a high roof that seemed familiar, possibly seen in past dreams. i was keeping some plants, and they had eggs in them. i didn't realize how many eggs each one had, and they all began to hatch quickly. large creatures that looked like cartoonish versions of shrimp and scorpions began to swarm the area. they weren't scary, they were actually quite friendly. i panicked because i was afraid my mother would be upset about them.
she wasn't, and she actually seemed amused at their presence. they continued to swarm different parts of the area, and i followed them down a large hallway. people were gathered around in different sections as though the place was a comic book convention. i realized i couldn't find bennett. i got upset and began to look for him, wondering if he was getting along with the creatures. i didn't want them to hurt him, but i also didn't want HIM to hurt THEM.
i think i found him. and then i found my mom again. then the mood began to shift.
i don't quite recall what happened in the interim, but i remember the feelings of utter despair. the feeling of being ignored. my emotions are much stronger in dreams, painfully so. i was arguing with my mother, and she wouldn't listen to me. i begged her to take me seriously, but she wouldn't budge. i threatened to harm myself. she told me to go ahead.
i wanted to call her bluff. i took a knife that appeared out of nowhere, and, looking her in the eyes one last time, i sliced it across my left arm, further back than my wrist. the blade pierced my soft skin, drawing up droplets of blood immediately. i looked back at her, tears in my eyes.
she didn't care at all. this filled me with even more despair.
i looked back at my arm, which was now covered in tattoos. more places had begun to bleed. i felt regret as i realized that i had never cut myself before. like i had crossed some irreversible line. my anger and sadness at tainting myself like that overwhelmed me. i cried out, and my mother still didn't seem to care.
she disappeared. time passed.
i found her again, and my arm was still covered in blood, though it wasn't actively bleeding anymore. there were more tattoos that i didn't recognize.
"what day is it? how much time has passed?"
she didn't know. her apathy towards me seemed to disappear, as if she had entirely forgotten that we had fought. we tried to find a stranger to tell us what year it was.
today's writing was very messy. i mostly only looked at my closet doors. they looked like tally marks in sets of five, scrawled hastily around the door frame.
the tinge of red seemed stronger today, too. it had frantic energy.